Naughty Jokes
naughty jokes
A man escapes from prison, breaks into a house and
finds a couple sleeping. He orders the husband out
of bed at knifepoint and ties him to a chair. While
tying the wife to the bed, he kisses her neck for a
minute. Then the criminal gets up and goes to the
bathroom.
The husband hurriedly leans over and whispers to his
wife, "This guy is an escaped convict. He's probably
spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman
in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants
sex, don't resist-just do whatever he tells you, and
with any luck we'll make it out alive. Stay strong,
honey. I love you."
"Oh, he wasn't kissing my neck," his wife whispers
back. "He was talking in my ear. He told me he
thought you were really cute and then asked if we
had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom
under the sink. Stay strong, honey. I love you,
too."
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naughty jokes
A young boy was looking through the family album and
asked his mother, "Who's this guy on the beach with
you with all the muscles and curly hair?"
"That's your father."
"Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives
with us now?"
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naughty jokes
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3,
9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well,"
he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and
she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think
tonight's THE night. We're having dinner with her
parents, and then we're going out. Once she's had
me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better
give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his
purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his
girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give
the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer,
but continues praying for several minutes. The girl
leans over and says, "You never told me that you
were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me
that your father is a pharmacist."
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naughty jokes
Jesse took his blind date to the carnival. "What
would you like to do first, Amber?" asked Jesse. "I
want to get weighed," replied Amber.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed
120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and
she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the
ride was over, Jesse again asked Amber what she
would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had
been there before, he guessed her correct weight,
and Jesse lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he
asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," Amber
responded.
By this time, Jesse figured that she was really
weird and took her home early, dropping her off with
a handshake.
Her room mate, Laura, asked her about the blind date,
"How did it go?" Amber responded, "Oh, Waura. It was
wousy."
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naughty jokes
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give
birth, and the doctor told them that he had
developed a new machine and asked if they would like
to try it out. The machine could take some of the
pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to
the father to ease the mother's burden.
Well, they thought that was a good idea and decided
to give it a try. The doctor set it at 10% to begin
with, telling the man that even 10% was probably
more pain than he had ever experienced.
But the man was surprised at how little pain he was
feeling, and asked the doctor to raise it. So he put
it up to 20%, and since the man still felt fine, the
doctor raised it to 50%, and finally to 100%.
After the birth was over, the man stood up,
stretched a little, and helped his wife into the
car, both of them feeling fine. But when they got
home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.
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naughty jokes
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an
old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and
out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for
freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant
you three wishes."
The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I
know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 billion
dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a
flash of light and a piece of paper with account
numbers appears in his hand.
He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari
right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light and
a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to
him.
He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to
women."
Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a
box of chocolates.
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naughty jokes
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a
beautiful blonde woman wave at him and say hello.
He's rather taken back, because he can't place where
he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To
which she replies, "I think your the father of one
of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has
ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God,
are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I
laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching,
while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery
and then stuck a carrot up my arse???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm
your son's maths teacher."
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naughty jokes
A husband and his wife who have been married 20
years were doing some yard work.
The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill
while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers
from the flower bed.
So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost
as wide as this grill" She ignores the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape
and measures the grill, then he goes over to his
wife while she is bending over, measures her rear
end and gasps, "Geez, it really is as wide as the
grill!"
She ignores this remark as well.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to
feel frisky.
The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna
fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are
sadly mistaken."
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naughty jokes
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife.
It read:
"Dear wife. You must realise that you are 54 years
old and I have certain needs which you are no longer
able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a
wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or
offended to learn that by the time you receive this
letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my
18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before
midnight. - Your Husband."
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed
letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the
time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater
Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the
brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily
appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more
times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
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naughty jokes
Two elderly residents were sitting alone in the
lobby of their nursing home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I
know just what you’re wanting; for $5 I’ll have sex
with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn’t say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I’ll do it with you
on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I’ll
take you back to my room, light some candles, and
give you the most romantic evening you’ve ever had
in your life."
The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple
moments starts digging down in her purse. She pulls
out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room,"
says the old man with a satisfied smirk.
"Get serious," she finally says, rolling her eyes.
"I want four times in the rocking chair."
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naughty jokes
There were 3 blonde men who found a lamp and rubbed
it. A genie popped out. The genie said, "I am the
great Genie! I shall grant you 3 wishes. Since there
are 3 of you, you each get one." The first man
wished that he was smart. The genie turned him into
a redhead. The second asked to be even smarter than
the first. The genie turned him into a brunette. The
third wished to be the smarter than both of the
others, so the genie turned him into a woman!
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naughty jokes
A boss walked into the office one morning not
knowing that his zipper was down, and his fly wide
open.
His secretary walked up to him and said, "Boss this
morning when you left your house, did you close your
garage door?"
This was not a phrase that her boss understood, so
he went into his office looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done with his paper work, he
suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up.
He zipped up and remembering what his secretary had
told him, finally understood.
He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of
coffee from his secretary.
When he reached her desk, he said, "When you saw the
garage door open did you see my Jaguar parked in
there?"
The secretary smiled for a moment and said, "No,
Boss, I didn't. All I saw was a Mini with 2 flat
tyres."
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naughty jokes
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They
loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After
driving for a few hours, they got caught in a
terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby
farmhouse and asked the attractive lady who answered
the door if they could spend the night.
"I realise it's terrible weather out there, and I
have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently
widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid that the
neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep
in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be
gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two
men found their way to the barn and settled in for
the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared & they were on
their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About 9 months later, Jack got an unexpected letter
from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to
figure it out, but he finally determined that it was
from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on
the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob & asked, "Bob, do
you remember that good-looking widow from the farm
we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?"
"Yes I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the
night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being
found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of
telling her yours?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry
buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
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naughty jokes
A woman and a pro body builder met at a bar one
night and hit it off well. They decided to go back
to a hotel room for some all night fun. They get to
the hotel room and the guy immediately starts to
undress.
First he takes off his shirt and says (referring to
his arms), "See those baby, that's 1000 pounds of
dynamite." The woman starts to get more anxious.
Then he continues to take off his pants and says
(referring to his thighs), "And these baby, that's
1000 pounds of dynamite."
The woman is aching for action at this point and she
starts to touch herself. Then he starts to remove
his boxers and show off his package and the woman
screams in fright and runs out of the room.
He goes to find her and she's out in the parking lot
gasping for breath. He asks her what was wrong and
if she was ok. She replies, "With 2000 pounds of
dynamite and such a short fuse I thought you were
going to blow."
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naughty jokes
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several
miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of
yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
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naughty jokes
At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a
lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides
that after their wedding she and Morris should have
separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her
new but aged husband may overexert himself if they
spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares
herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the
door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens
and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for
action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and
she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes,
Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door,
and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more
"action".
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more
coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses
his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you
guessed it, Morris is back again, rapping on the
door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for
more "action". And, once again they enjoy each
other.
But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young
bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that
at your age you can perform so well and so often. I
have been with guys less than a third of your age
who were only good once. You are truly a great
lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and
says: "You mean I was here already?"
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naughty jokes
Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two
employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely
good employees - always willing to work overtime and
chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and
decided that he wasn't making enough money to
warrant two employees and he would have to lay one
off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers
he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it.
He decided that he would watch them work and the
first one to take a break would be the one he would
lay off.
So, he sat in his office and watched them work.
Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs
to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her
purse and goes to the water cooler to get something
to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the
water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says,
"Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a
headache!"
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naughty jokes
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got
into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than
women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with
getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
"Think about this... when your ear itches and you
put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then
pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your
finger?"
naughty jokes
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway
when he notices a sign out of the corner of his
eye.... It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10
MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and
drives on without second thought....Soon he sees
another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are
for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT
RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into
the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a
stone building with a small sign next to the door
reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is
answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
"What may we do for you my son?" He answers, "I saw
your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business...."
"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led
through many winding passages and is soon quite
disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and
tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does
so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin
cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please
place $100 in the cup then go through the large
wooden door at the end of the hallway." He puts $100
in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips
through the door pulling it shut behind him. The
door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking
lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST.
FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
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naughty jokes
A couple decided to Alaska for a romantic weekend.
When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife
asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire
place.
He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that
his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands
between my thighs to warm them. So he did and went
back outside to finish chopping wood.
He came in after another 5 minutes and said " honey
my hands are cold again". So she tells him here put
your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did
and then he went back out to chop some more wood.
5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said,
"Honey my hands are cold again". She then said,
"Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"
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naughty jokes
At the end of a long crime fighting day, Superman
decides he needs to relax for a few hours, so he
rings Spiderman to see if he'd like to go out for a
drink.
Spiderman replies "No, I have to repair my web
spinner."
So, Superman rings a few more of his super hero
friends and they're all busy. He decides in the end
to go for a quick super-fly around the world to
clear his mind before bed time.
As he passes over Wonder-Woman's mansion he sees her
lying naked and spread eagle next to her pool.
Hmmm he thinks, with my super powers I'll fly down
for a quickie and before she realizes I'll be gone.
So he swoops down and "WHAM BAM thank you ma’am" and
he's gone.
Wonder-Woman shrieks, "What was that?"
And the invisible man cries "I don't know, but I've
sure got a sore ass!!!"
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naughty jokes
One day a man has a terrible stomach complaint and
goes along to see his doctor. The doctor tells him
that he is very ill, but that he can cure his
condition with a course of suppositories inserted
deep into his rectum every 6 hours.
"Right" says the doctor, "bend over and I'll do the
first one for you." The man bends down and the
doctor deposited the suppository. He then gives the
man his course and sends him home.
At home 6 hours later the man realises that he can't
stick the suppository far enough up, by himself, so
he asks his wife to help him insert the slippery
bullet. After explaining to her what to do, the man
bends over. His wife puts one hand on her husband's
shoulder to brace herself and thrusts really hard.
To her horror the man lets out a blood curdling
scream.
"My God" she cries. "What's the matter? Did I hurt
you?"
"No" replies the man. "But I have just realised that
when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my
shoulders."
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naughty jokes
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so
well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A
few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and
then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants
and washes his hands.
The girl watches him and says, "You must be a
dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes ... how did you figure
that out?"
The girl says, "Easy ... you keep washing your
hands."
One thing led to another and they make love. After
they were done, the girl says,
"You must be a great dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Yes, I sure
am a great dentist.. How did you figure that out?"
She replies says, "Easy ... I didn't feel a thing!"
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naughty jokes
A husband took his wife to play her first round of
golf.....
Nervous, the wife promptly hacked her first shot
right through the window of the largest house
adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful!
Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner,
apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going
to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on
the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that
was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken
antique lamp was lying on its side near the broken
window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the
people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the
husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to
thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been
trapped in that lamp for a thousand years. Now that
you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three
wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you
don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a
moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars
a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's
the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long,
healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you
want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with
servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes
will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural
disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your
wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that lamp and
haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand
years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee,
honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all
those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You
know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I
guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.
I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they
spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie
rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and
asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No kidding," he said, "Thirty-five years old and
both of you still believe in genies?"
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